1-30-23

I remembered your smile again.

Haha, doesn't that make me pathetic? Lost in the past? You'd likely call me a fool if you could see me now. No, you always knew what to say. You would somehow manage to make me feel complete even though I am fractured. You would look into my eyes and tell me that I matter, to you and to the universe. That I'm unique and irreplaceable. That I'm not a bad person. That I don't deserve it.

Deserve what? To relive nostalgia for a world that never existed? You'd probably tell me that it's okay to miss that world.

I miss you more than words can convey.

I'd give up everything in an instant to be in your presence again. To hear your voice. The REAL you. So close I can nearly pull you into my arms, yet we are divided through screens and realities.

I remember one night you startled me, banging on my door far past sunset. At first, I was annoyed that you interrupted my solitude, but then I saw how awful you looked. Your face was pale white as if someone had painted it with a brush of chalk dust. Tears dripped down your sharp cheeks and landed delicately against the ground. Your hands shook so badly you couldn't hold the doorknob as you sobbed, choking out a garbled mess of words I barely understood. I hurriedly unlocked the door and let you in without a word.

You never told me what happened that night. Most likely because I rattled off dozens of empty threats towards whoever hurt you. Despite it all you were still looking out for your friends. Even though seeing you so shook up destroyed me, we ended up talking late into the night over a comedic amount of wine bottles. We talked about anything and everything, there was never a moment when the conversation was dull or boring. Just like you.

I miss nights like that more than anything. Through your tears you smiled at me, you told me how I made you feel safe. How I was the only one who understood you. I remember how I felt like my heart was going to explode.